More personal than usual.

This week has been a bit of a tough one. I have found a new low that I have never experienced before. It’s tough feeling so weak and vulnerable when I just want to be doing well and carry on.

(Disclaimer: I often answer “Doing well” when I am asked “How I am doing?” because I am generally doing well. But this is also my answer if I don’t think the person asking really wants to know. If I can tell that you are sincerely interested, I will open up. If it’s just pleasantries, “Doing well” does just fine. I am generally always willing to listen to people and how they are doing. But sometimes it’s just small talk. In my job I try to follow the Eliza Doolittle protocol and stick to people’s health and the weather. This can stem to my pleasantries in public, since I am not a very social person generally.)

Moroni while transcribing the Book of Ether was told by the Lord that:

And if men come unto me I will show unto them their weakness. I give unto men weakness that they may be humble; and my grace is sufficient for all men that humble themselves before me; for if they humble themselves before me, and have faith in me, then will I make weak things become strong unto them. (Ether 12:27)

I have often found comfort in this verse and have had it quoted to me on multiple occasions. But this past week all I could come away with was the question “WHY?” Why did God give me this weakness when it often feels too great to bear? I have felt tired of pressing on with this burden. I am a stubborn person and am sometimes unwilling to receive help. This can apply to help from anyone, even God. I have the idea that if I can do it by myself that I will prove to be stronger than I am. That my weaknesses, especially my SGA, will not define me.

There are times that I don’t feel worthy to take the yoke of the Savior upon me because my will and desires are not in line with His. Humility is one thing that I have an extremely hard time having. To put my things aside to accept something else is hard. I think that one of the many reasons why I have my new calling is to help me love people better. Sometimes that is just plain hard, especially when we don’t see eye to eye. I am not sure why, but assertive people intimidate me. And I find it hard to like/ deal/ love them. But I know that God wants me to become a better person. I just have to be smart enough to humble myself and let that happen.

I am working on trying to reach out when I am struggling. That is something that takes a lot for me to do, because I try to be so independent. But I have recently found that I have many friends on my side who want me to succeed and are willing to help me in any way they can. I’m still not sure on how they can help me, but it is enough for them to know that I am going through things. I am always open to suggestions and opinions on how I can improve, but I am not so good on knowing what I specifically need or how to ask for it. But I appreciate that people are willing to help. I appreciate the support. It makes times like these easier to bear.

But I know that true relief comes when I take my burdens to the Lord and accept His will and way. It’s a daily process and a daily decision. May I ever be willing to choose it and know how to is my constant prayer.

God Bless! Until Next Time!