Mary had a Little Lamb

This was one of my many favorite pictures while working at Deseret Book. I believe that the title of it at the store was The Innocence by William-Adolphe Bouguereau. But I love the imagery in it of this woman, who I understand to be Mary, holding both a Baby, who I understand to be Jesus, and a Lamb, a symbol of Christ.

Seeing this picture made me think of the first stanza of the nursery rhyme "Mary had a Little Lamb":

Mary had a little lamb,
His fleece as white as snow,
And everywhere that Mary went,
The lamb was sure to go.
-John Roulstone

I don’t know much of the history of this nursery rhyme or whether or not it has religious implications, but I do think it’s interesting that the fleece of the lamb was described to be white as snow.

Come now, and let us reason together, saith the Lord: though your sins be as scarlet, they shall be as white as snow; though they be red like crimson, they shall be as wool.

-Isaiah 1:18 (Scripture Mastery!)

I want to study even more about the Savior and His life. I am ever so grateful for Him and His example and Atoning sacrifice. I know that my actions and conduct do not always show it, but I am glad that I have the opportunity to change and improve. The fact that we can become clean before God is a priceless one. What makes it even better is when we utilize this gift and become clean before God and improve our lives.

I am glad that we have records of many of the prophecies of Christ. Some of the most beautiful and well known come from Isaiah.

For unto us a child is born, unto us a son is given: and the government shall be upon his shoulder: and his name shall be called Wonderful, Counsellor, The mighty God, The everlasting Father, The Prince of Peace.

Isaiah 9:6

I am convinced that Jesus Christ will play each of these roles at some point in our lives if we let Him. He will continue to be Wonderful as we draw near unto Him. We are to counsel with the Lord through prayer. Because of His role in the Creation and our lives He is considered the mighty God. Through our covenants with him he becomes the everlasting Father. But one of the best title for Him is the Prince of Peace.

Peace is one of those things that we are constantly in search of. We like to know that we are at peace with those around us, but more especially that we are at peace with God. It is an endeavor that we are consistently working towards. As we consistently follow the Lord, He will consistently bless us. As we consistently look for His peace, He will find ways to give it to us.

With the Christmas season comes the reminder that the year is almost out. There is the stereotypical tradition to come up with New Year’s resolutions. While I have participated in this before I am not good at being accountable and following up on them. I would have been married by now if I had, theoretically.

But I try and think what I can give to God and Christ for all they have done for me. I know that nothing that I can give them will ever be close enough for repayment, but I can give what I have to show my gratitude. I love the poem/ Christmas carol “In the Bleak Midwinter.” The last stanza talks about what each of us are capable of giving Him!

What can I give Him,

Poor as I am?

If I were a shepherd

I would bring a lamb;

If I were a wise man

I would do my part;

Yet what I can, I give Him –

Give my heart.

-Christina Rossetti

I hope that we are able to appreciate the gift of the Lamb of God and be willing to give all we can to show our gratitude.

God Bless! Until Next Time!

One of My Biggest Fears

Fear has been described as the absence of faith. “Feed your faith and your fears will starve to death.” etc. But what if my fear is not spiritually based? How do you handle that?

One of my biggest fears is to end up alone, especially at the end of my life. This might be interesting coming from an introvert, but it’s true. I do enjoy my alone time… but I don’t like feeling lonely. This is something that I have constantly combated with, and I hate it, but I don’t know how to fix it.

I understand that my personality is a very acquired taste. And like I have said before, I try and observe a group of people or setting just so I know how much of myself I can be around them. That’s just who I am. I have to trust people before I open up about myself, like really open about myself. This makes me feel very vulnerable and I’m wondering if it is worth it.

I guess the first time that I noticed this was when I came back from my mission and a number of friends from high school had unfriended me on Facebook. I know it’s not the end of the world, but it definitely sends a message. Then there was a general feeling of a brotherhood with the elders on the mission. It didn’t take long for that feeling to disappear after the mission. Yes, we’re still friends on Facebook, but I don’t think that we’re as a part of each other lives as I thought we would be or said we would. Yes I understand that a lot of them are married now, and that distance plays a key, and many other things. But I feel like I have kind of been ostracized. There are a select few that I keep in contact with, but we have been mutually in contact, and I love it. I haven’t constantly tried to keep in contact with all of them because it’s exhausting. So I don’t know if I’ve done something to feel pushed out, or if I am just over thinking things, as I usually do. Sadly it affects my mood towards these people that I have come to love changes… and sad to say can turn to animosity. I hate that too.

I understand that people move away and that we don’t have to contact each other every day, but I want to know that I matter to people or that they think of me. Just a text in the middle of the day. I’m not asking for daily contact from everyone, but updates are nice. I constantly have to understand that not everyone is going to put into our relationship what I put in. I think that I am more thoughtful, it’s a fact that I am coming to realize. Just because they don’t do the same thing or similar things doesn’t mean that they care any less or love me any less.

I feel like this is very much a pity post, and maybe it is, but it is something that I am dealing with.

I know that I have Jesus on my side. Heavenly Father is in my corner. And I am so grateful that. I am constantly building on my relationship with Them, when I am not being stubborn and doing my own thing.

I know that there are many people that love me and I am appreciative of that. I feel like I am being childish about focusing on past relationships. I need to be grateful for what I have, the people in my life, and be okay that some relationships end.

To every thing there is a season, and a time to every purpose under the heaven: Ecclesiastes 3:1

If anyone has any suggestions please text or personal message me. I am always looking for ways to improve!

God Bless! Until Next Time!

Sugar… Butter… Flour…

One of my biggest fears about opening up about my Same Gender Attraction was that I would be treated differently. Luckily that hasn’t happened yet, but it is still a fear that I have with each person who discovers one of my most inner secrets. I haven’t experienced too many homophobia reactions towards me within my life, but they do happen to people. I don’t want this to be how people define me. Even though I currently feel like it makes up a big portion of who I am, it is not who I am, it is not all of me.

I have recently been hooked on the recent album from Sara Bareilles “What’s Inside: Songs from Waitress”, the musical she wrote that is headed for Broadway! Listen to it!

But the opening song is a waitress talking about making pies and constantly being asked what goes inside. She then answers it literally in regards to pies, but then she takes the question and asks it introspectively only to find that she can’t say what’s inside because she is hiding, and that her life isn’t in just her making pies.

What’s inside?

This is indeed an interesting question. I try to be a reserved person when it comes to my personal life. If I talk to you about personal things involving me, it is because I trust you and value your opinion. This same rule generally applies for when I talk to people through text or other messaging systems. (Disclaimer: If I don’t want to talk about something with you, I reserve the right not to.)

It usually takes a while for me to open up with people. I observe. I see how much of myself I am allowed to be, or how much the situation can handle.

That is until I get tired. I can get very sarcastic when I am tired. My sarcasm can take a while to get used to. Be around me long enough and you will start to catch on. I am not always sarcastic, but more often than people realize.

Keep me up longer and be prepared to get full on sass. Sass sometimes has a bad connotation, but for me it is my being brutally honest because I am too tired to care. If I over step my bounds, then I will redress the situation, but I try to put out my disclaimer that I am tired and be prepared for what comes out of my mouth.

I am a lover of the Gospel! I love discussing it and studying it and being well rehearsed in certain topics. I try and participate in lessons that I am at. If I have something to say, I will say it. I am certainly more passionate about more subjects than others. I also know the Church resources fairly well so that I can study topics better. Working at Deseret Book also helped with this. There are many good books. Even great ones.

And as all have not faith, seek ye diligently and teach one another words of wisdom; yea, seek ye out of the best books words of wisdom, seek learning even by study and also by faith;

Doctrine and Covenants 109:7

I am very grateful for books. I like to read and consider myself quite literate. I like to read, that is, when I am not in school. Recreational reading seems to be less enjoyable when I am required to read for classes. But I love reading and want to do it more.

My music style is very much my own. I have yet to find a person who has enjoyed all the music I like and dislike the same types of music. (I’m talking mostly about Country Music, but there are others.) I love musicals and find them very relatable at different times of my life. (One of my anthems is My Strongest Suit from AIDA) I also use music to express my moods, emotions, or feelings. Same with movies and movie quotes.

My mission has changed me for good. I have come to love the Russian language and people. I also gained a greater love and awakening to the Gospel of Jesus Christ while serving God’s children in that vast land. Russian has become my personal language because it is the language that I communicate with God and a majority of my thoughts are in Russian. Even with all that, my Russian has slipped from where it was when I came home over 4 years ago. I hope to continue to use it for all my days.

The thing about my Same Gender Attraction is that I don’t understand it fully myself. I am still coming to terms with it. But I am at a better position in understanding it than I was earlier. That’s why I enjoy being asked questions so that I can think about the different aspects that I may not have been thinking of. I do know that it is a daily thing. Just as it is a daily choice to live the gospel, it is a daily choice not to give into our temptations. Sometimes choosing not to give into our temptations can occur hourly.

I am still unsure why I wanted to write this post today. It might go back to my overall goal of being more understood. With that comes vulnerability. This is just the surface of many of these areas,  but I hope it starts to give you a better picture of what’s inside.

I am open to questions, so message me if you have any.

God Bless! Until Next Time!