Don't forget to read the footnotes, that's where the commentary is.[1]
The fact that I have done and said things in my life that
help people decided that their life would be better without me in it is pretty
painful.[2] The thing that makes it
more painful is when they block all kinds of contact so I can never makes
amends at be at peace. The thing that makes it even more painful is when they
do this without a word. I find that I am unfriended and that my messages have
been blocked and cannot reach them. But the cruelest thing is to leave all
those connections open and then never respond… like ever.[3]
I know that I am not a perfect person. I will be the first
and the loudest person to admit that. I have said some stupid stuff and done
some idiotic things in my time. I have offended countless numbers of people, I
am sure.[4] But I have tried to
resolve my mistakes as best I can and as quickly as I can when I see that I was
in the wrong.[5]
I know that it’s part of life that people come and go. As a
military kid moving around, I understood that. I never thought that I would be
able to stay in contact with people from my childhood, but modern day
technology and social media has made that possible. I love that I have the
ability to check in on many of my friends rather rapidly after receiving an
impression that I should. But it is like a hit to the gut or to the balls when
you find out, after all I’ve been through with some of these people, they have
unfriended me, blocked me without reason, or they just don’t see fit to
respond.[6]
Now I am all for explanations as to why people have decided
to leave my life. Here are some possible explanations that may or may not have
been used before: They don’t trust me anymore, we’ve grown apart, I said
something unforgivable, my cooking is horrible[7], I did something
unforgivable, it’s because I am a Latter-day Saint, it’s because I experience
same-sex attraction, it’s cause I’m White, cause I’m a male, it’s because my
inner Blackness was too much to handle, etc.[8] But when I am left with
nothing, I go inside my head and create little stories that are so believable
that I should be the best selling non-fiction writer. There are times that,
upon inquiry, I find that I was only partially right or so far out in left
field that I am able to come to terms.[9] The stories that are in my
head are so real to me and it doesn’t help that the adversary loves to feed on
those and plays them back to me over and over. It leaves me feeling like a
failure in the relationship category, and that’s with any relationship that I
have ever had.
Some may tell me that this is just part of life and to not
dwell on it, and I have tried that, maybe not steadily or long enough, but I
have tried. Then comes that nagging part of me wondering what I did wrong, what
could I have done better, what can I do better with in future relationships.
I am constantly trying to improve myself. I have probably
offended multiple people using the same method, and my mouth is finding new
ways every day, but if I don’t know that I have, I can’t improve what we got.[10]
If you decide that your life is better without me, please tell
me why. I can respect that you have made that decision, but not telling me is
just rude. And as much as I like to say I don’t have time for rude people, I
still worry about it constantly.[11]
Another thing that brings me pain is when our definition of
our relationship is not the same. I could consider you a friend, even a best
friend, or a brother, a home gurl, a sista, or a cousin[12], plus a huge slew of
other various forms of relationships. With these considerations also comes
certain things and sacrifices that I am willing to do for you. But I have found
out that sometimes they don’t see me the same way.
Remember that time I said I wasn’t perfect. I am guilty of
some if not all of this. I can hold a grudge until no end. I have made the
decision to cut people out of my life for my own well-being. A majority of the
time I have even told the person when and why I was doing it. And I have also
lead people along making them think that we’re better friends than we really
are. But I am working on all of that. I’m also working on being tactful, there
is no need to be rude about it.
I guess it just goes back to my second title. I am just
tired of guessing games, trying to figure out where I stand with people.[13] I am a worrier when it comes to these things.
I want to help people be happy. The fact that I cause people such pain only
hurts me more.
With all that said, this does not diminish the love that I
feel from the people who are there for me.[14]
God Bless! Until Next Time![15]
[1]
I feel a purge coming on.
[2]
I have noticed that I have been using the phrase, “The fact that…” a lot lately,
so I apologize if it occurs more than once or twice.
[3]
I have some men in my life, they are actually brothers, and I see them as
brothers, and they are horrible at responding to messages and inquiries. All of
them. I don’t know if it’s a family trait, or what, but I know that they love
me and that they just don’t get back right away, but it did take me a while to
understand that. This isn’t about them or those kinds of people in my life.
[4]
For example, don’t make Freudian jokes to uneducated boys.
[5]
Being myself, and not others, I don’t often see when I have offended them
because I don’t always know what they find offensive. But there are times when
I know after it leaves my mouth that I should have thought for two seconds longer.
[6]
One of the nightmarish things about Facebook messenger is that you can see when
the other person had read your message. Then you both know that it’s been read,
which only adds to the awkwardness.
[7]
That’s a joke, because it’s not!
[8]
I promise that I will eventually write a blog about my perceived Blackness.
[9]
Out in left field is a sports term, right? I just want to reach out to a wider
audience.
[10]
I feel like we need to do everything short of a companionship inventory, or we
could do that too. (Ask me if you don’t know what a comp. inventory is.
[11]
I really need to find a way to use my time better.
[12]
A cousin which I only see every four years or so, and for the most part I am
okay with that, but it doesn’t mean that I don’t love or tolerate you, it means
that in some cases, I’m okay not seeing you that often. Not all cousins are created equally. Love you!
[13]
There are some people where I think they are really cool and we’re acquaintances
and I want to try and be their friend more, but I find their awesomeness, or
their good looks, or their accomplishments as intimidating and so I chicken out
when I want to approach them. I have also come to terms about some people that
we probably wouldn’t be good friends anyways. But I have also become friends
with people I never thought I would. It’s a toss up
[14]
There are many people who fall under this category, but my sista Phylicia comes
to mind right now as I am writing this. Shout out to Phylicia Jimenez. If you
know here, you know what goodness I am talking about.
[15]
Feel free to let me know how our relationship is, especially if it’s been a
while.
