This has been probably the most
vulnerable post that I have written to date. I am a little apprehensive in
writing this because I’m scared that I won’t be understood or that people will
be offended at how I am expressing myself. Just know that this is how I see
what I am discussing now. It may change with time, and it may not. We will have
to see. Or more like, I will have to see. I’m the only one that is stuck with
me.
The fact that I have abandonment
issues is something that I joke about with people often, I say it in jest in
passing, but what they don’t know is that it’s not a joke. It’s in nowise seriously
debilitating, but it is present and somewhat constant.
Now I just want to make it clear,
that as far as I know, none of this stems from my own family. I have generally
felt wanted in my own immediate family. But I do believe that these issues do
stem from my childhood.
Because of multiple reasons I
became a chubby kid, and that will be a story for another day. With this I
became less ambitious and active. I would still be up for going on hikes and
exploring in the woods, but I would have to build up the courage to jump the
ravines or slide down cliffs that my friends could do so easily. Sometimes it
took so long for me to build up this courage that they told me that I could catch
up. Even though this provided an extra incentive to want to make the jump and
move ahead, it has left its mark on me.
I also didn’t grow up in a house
where video or computer games were played. Even to this day I don’t understand
the fascination with them. But I would go to friend’s houses and they’d want to
play video games. If it was Super Smash Bros or Mario Cart, I would do my best.
I was almost always Princess Peach, just because she was my favorite character,
not because she had the best powers or that I wanted to win. When it came to
more action video games, it became apparent that I had no talent in those
games, so I would often sit off to the side and watched as my friends played.
This sitting off to the side, though physical in nature, would also take on a
mental one as my friends would be willing to continue on with what they wanted
to do while I was still in their presence.
Another source of my feelings of
abandonment is tightly tied to my trust issues. I have been to open with my
thoughts, feelings and emotions that I have “scared” people away, or they
decided that I was too much to handle. I’m not sure exactly what happens. But
more often than not, the way they do it is not nice and doesn’t make me feel
better about myself and ever want to open up again. But with time, or with the
right person, I do open up. Each time is different and I’m learning not to
vomit all my issues and vulnerability on them. I understand that there is such
a thing as too much information, but I always thought myself as a good judge of
things and would share things when prompted. But I still have people leaving my
life, and it never gets easier.
One of the hardest things I have
dealt with is feeling connected to people for extended periods of time, like
through high school or on a mission, but when it comes to actually dealing with
me after a time they are nowhere to be found. I am trying, and not always
succeeding, not having feelings of resentment towards these people. I don’t
know if it’s worse to have someone say they don’t want to be a part of my life
or to have them remove themselves from my life without a word. I try to reach
out and find myself blocked and unfriended. And then a good number of fond
memories become too painful to recollect. (On a side note, I wonder if my
terrible memory is because I truly don’t remember things or because I spend so
much time trying to forget or suppress the pain that it carries over into other
fields of my mind.)
But there are people where we can
go weeks and months without talking and pick up like nothing had happened. I am
grateful for those types of people in my life, I know that they will be around
for some time. They become family.
I know that I am not innocent in
not making people feel this way. But I don’t try and do it intentionally. I’m
sure the kids growing up didn’t intend for me to have these feelings, but it’s
the way my mind registered them, and I’m working on that.
I feel bad about opening up about
this part of me because I know that I have a lot of people in my life that love
me. I am astounded at how many people can love me and with how many people I
can love. I’m grateful for so many people who are willing to stand by me and
help me on my journey. And I try to remember that God is always with me. He’s
the best to have around.
God Bless! Until Next Time!
