Abandonment Issues

This has been probably the most vulnerable post that I have written to date. I am a little apprehensive in writing this because I’m scared that I won’t be understood or that people will be offended at how I am expressing myself. Just know that this is how I see what I am discussing now. It may change with time, and it may not. We will have to see. Or more like, I will have to see. I’m the only one that is stuck with me.

The fact that I have abandonment issues is something that I joke about with people often, I say it in jest in passing, but what they don’t know is that it’s not a joke. It’s in nowise seriously debilitating, but it is present and somewhat constant. 

Now I just want to make it clear, that as far as I know, none of this stems from my own family. I have generally felt wanted in my own immediate family. But I do believe that these issues do stem from my childhood.

Because of multiple reasons I became a chubby kid, and that will be a story for another day. With this I became less ambitious and active. I would still be up for going on hikes and exploring in the woods, but I would have to build up the courage to jump the ravines or slide down cliffs that my friends could do so easily. Sometimes it took so long for me to build up this courage that they told me that I could catch up. Even though this provided an extra incentive to want to make the jump and move ahead, it has left its mark on me. 

I also didn’t grow up in a house where video or computer games were played. Even to this day I don’t understand the fascination with them. But I would go to friend’s houses and they’d want to play video games. If it was Super Smash Bros or Mario Cart, I would do my best. I was almost always Princess Peach, just because she was my favorite character, not because she had the best powers or that I wanted to win. When it came to more action video games, it became apparent that I had no talent in those games, so I would often sit off to the side and watched as my friends played. This sitting off to the side, though physical in nature, would also take on a mental one as my friends would be willing to continue on with what they wanted to do while I was still in their presence.

Another source of my feelings of abandonment is tightly tied to my trust issues. I have been to open with my thoughts, feelings and emotions that I have “scared” people away, or they decided that I was too much to handle. I’m not sure exactly what happens. But more often than not, the way they do it is not nice and doesn’t make me feel better about myself and ever want to open up again. But with time, or with the right person, I do open up. Each time is different and I’m learning not to vomit all my issues and vulnerability on them. I understand that there is such a thing as too much information, but I always thought myself as a good judge of things and would share things when prompted. But I still have people leaving my life, and it never gets easier.

One of the hardest things I have dealt with is feeling connected to people for extended periods of time, like through high school or on a mission, but when it comes to actually dealing with me after a time they are nowhere to be found. I am trying, and not always succeeding, not having feelings of resentment towards these people. I don’t know if it’s worse to have someone say they don’t want to be a part of my life or to have them remove themselves from my life without a word. I try to reach out and find myself blocked and unfriended. And then a good number of fond memories become too painful to recollect. (On a side note, I wonder if my terrible memory is because I truly don’t remember things or because I spend so much time trying to forget or suppress the pain that it carries over into other fields of my mind.)

But there are people where we can go weeks and months without talking and pick up like nothing had happened. I am grateful for those types of people in my life, I know that they will be around for some time. They become family.

I know that I am not innocent in not making people feel this way. But I don’t try and do it intentionally. I’m sure the kids growing up didn’t intend for me to have these feelings, but it’s the way my mind registered them, and I’m working on that.

I feel bad about opening up about this part of me because I know that I have a lot of people in my life that love me. I am astounded at how many people can love me and with how many people I can love. I’m grateful for so many people who are willing to stand by me and help me on my journey. And I try to remember that God is always with me. He’s the best to have around.

God Bless! Until Next Time!