Sugar… Butter… Flour…

One of my biggest fears about opening up about my Same Gender Attraction was that I would be treated differently. Luckily that hasn’t happened yet, but it is still a fear that I have with each person who discovers one of my most inner secrets. I haven’t experienced too many homophobia reactions towards me within my life, but they do happen to people. I don’t want this to be how people define me. Even though I currently feel like it makes up a big portion of who I am, it is not who I am, it is not all of me.

I have recently been hooked on the recent album from Sara Bareilles “What’s Inside: Songs from Waitress”, the musical she wrote that is headed for Broadway! Listen to it!

But the opening song is a waitress talking about making pies and constantly being asked what goes inside. She then answers it literally in regards to pies, but then she takes the question and asks it introspectively only to find that she can’t say what’s inside because she is hiding, and that her life isn’t in just her making pies.

What’s inside?

This is indeed an interesting question. I try to be a reserved person when it comes to my personal life. If I talk to you about personal things involving me, it is because I trust you and value your opinion. This same rule generally applies for when I talk to people through text or other messaging systems. (Disclaimer: If I don’t want to talk about something with you, I reserve the right not to.)

It usually takes a while for me to open up with people. I observe. I see how much of myself I am allowed to be, or how much the situation can handle.

That is until I get tired. I can get very sarcastic when I am tired. My sarcasm can take a while to get used to. Be around me long enough and you will start to catch on. I am not always sarcastic, but more often than people realize.

Keep me up longer and be prepared to get full on sass. Sass sometimes has a bad connotation, but for me it is my being brutally honest because I am too tired to care. If I over step my bounds, then I will redress the situation, but I try to put out my disclaimer that I am tired and be prepared for what comes out of my mouth.

I am a lover of the Gospel! I love discussing it and studying it and being well rehearsed in certain topics. I try and participate in lessons that I am at. If I have something to say, I will say it. I am certainly more passionate about more subjects than others. I also know the Church resources fairly well so that I can study topics better. Working at Deseret Book also helped with this. There are many good books. Even great ones.

And as all have not faith, seek ye diligently and teach one another words of wisdom; yea, seek ye out of the best books words of wisdom, seek learning even by study and also by faith;

Doctrine and Covenants 109:7

I am very grateful for books. I like to read and consider myself quite literate. I like to read, that is, when I am not in school. Recreational reading seems to be less enjoyable when I am required to read for classes. But I love reading and want to do it more.

My music style is very much my own. I have yet to find a person who has enjoyed all the music I like and dislike the same types of music. (I’m talking mostly about Country Music, but there are others.) I love musicals and find them very relatable at different times of my life. (One of my anthems is My Strongest Suit from AIDA) I also use music to express my moods, emotions, or feelings. Same with movies and movie quotes.

My mission has changed me for good. I have come to love the Russian language and people. I also gained a greater love and awakening to the Gospel of Jesus Christ while serving God’s children in that vast land. Russian has become my personal language because it is the language that I communicate with God and a majority of my thoughts are in Russian. Even with all that, my Russian has slipped from where it was when I came home over 4 years ago. I hope to continue to use it for all my days.

The thing about my Same Gender Attraction is that I don’t understand it fully myself. I am still coming to terms with it. But I am at a better position in understanding it than I was earlier. That’s why I enjoy being asked questions so that I can think about the different aspects that I may not have been thinking of. I do know that it is a daily thing. Just as it is a daily choice to live the gospel, it is a daily choice not to give into our temptations. Sometimes choosing not to give into our temptations can occur hourly.

I am still unsure why I wanted to write this post today. It might go back to my overall goal of being more understood. With that comes vulnerability. This is just the surface of many of these areas,  but I hope it starts to give you a better picture of what’s inside.

I am open to questions, so message me if you have any.

God Bless! Until Next Time!