First Post: My Reasoning

Welcome to my blog. Enjoy the ride that is my brain/ thoughts.

I have decided to start a blog about me and my journey.

It may be a blog full of rants and complaining because I have no one to turn to truly express myself fully. I feel that I can explain myself a lot better through writing. Things sometimes make more sense when I see it in print. But I will also have positive things to post. My life is not as woeful as I make it out to be. I have much to be grateful for. But there are things that happen to me that I want to share and let people in. I believe that understanding each other is one of the best things that we can do in this world. I just wish to provide an opportunity for people to understand me better and hopefully be able to understand others.

I'm calling my blog The Wizard and I. If you don't know what this is, I feel sorry for you, but it's the title of a song from the musical Wicked where Elphaba express that she doesn't know why she is green or has magical powers, but with the Wizard's help, she can get fixed. But over time she learns to embrace her traits and become who she is known for, the Wicked Witch of the West.

Not unlike Elphaba, I have traits that baffle and confuse me. I deal with Same Gender Attraction and am not exactly sure why I have to deal with this in this life. To what end? Is it for my whole life? Will it continue after this life? I have ideas or theories, but they are just that. I do believe that this is my cross to bear in this life, and that it will help me more than anything else to become like my Savior and Father in Heaven.

One of the theories that I have shared with others that has rung true within myself is that in the premortal existence, Heavenly Father and I were talking and I knew and He knew that I was going to have to deal with Same Gender Attraction in this life. He told me that it wouldn’t be easy but that He knew I could handle it. Because of His confidence in me I came to know for myself that I would be triumphant. Since then I have the Veil placed over me and am having to regain that confidence in myself, but I know that He still has it in me.

Honestly, Elphaba’s hopes to get fixed by association with the Wizard, has my relationship with God for a while, that with His help I would get fixed. This could be through my good deeds or by being perceived as being a good boy by others. By being a righteous disciple I would be rewarded with my attraction dwindling. Often I thought, “If I am so good, as others say, why do I feel so bad and horrible?” There have been many nights spent earnestly pleading that this burden be lifted from me. That I may learn the lesson I am to learn and end this trial once and for all. This hasn’t been the case and I am starting to understand that it isn’t going to be.

Elphaba took the things that she was given and tried to use them for good, no matter what others said. She tried to be true to herself and help those who she cared about. I am trying to do that right now, learning to embrace what I have been given. I am trying to use the experiences and lessons I have learned and see how I can help bless the lives of others with it. I have come to appreciate people who are trying to become better, for we are all beggars before God. But I have come to find ways to love people. It is not easy, but it is worth it if I humble myself.

It has been a trip since coming out on Facebook in July. (Only 3 months I know… there are many more to come!) People were very supportive when I did that. I was congratulated on being so brave and for having a great testimony or always being a great example of a man of faith. I have experienced a lot of ups and downs since then. People are still supportive and understanding. But there are weeks where I feel on top of my game and other weeks where I feel like crawling under a rock to hide myself from the face of God because I didn’t discourage thoughts and emotions on my part.

In His infinite goodness and mercy God keeps blessing me. He has blessed me with so many wonderful family members and friends. I am working on reaching out more in my hour of need. I have been blessed with their insights and have seem my own attitude change because of reaching out. I have been able to be an instrument in His hand and bless the lives of others and hope to continue to do so.

Elphaba’s hopes on the Wizard didn’t pan out like she wanted them to. *Spoiler Alert* But I am confident that if I stick with God and do my part that I will come out triumphant over all weaknesses I have in this life, for with God all things can become strong.